boredom is fucking AWESOME. that being said as well as I possibly could, i will restate it. being bored is pretty damn awesome, because it allows me to discover really fun and awesome things. the internet is so great in so many ways, and of course, hateful and mean and sad in others.
but when the internet is awesome. holy smokes is it ever awesome!
Awesome things about the internet super highways
really cool art that makes me smile
incredible pictures that make me want to get out and visit the world
really cool toys that I would rob banks to buy (coughtransformerscough)
easy ways to stay in touch with those that I love
UNawesome things about the internet
shitcocks. assholes that think because they are anonymous, they can escape blame and consequence
evil shit. there are psychos every where it seems.
On the whole, the internet to me has been a great tool of learning, connection and useless information. and honestly i dont know what I would do if I lived in an age where we didnt have this great web of information pulling us all together. so in closing
Some people are stupid enough to believe that they truly, truly know everything.
That attitude makes people want to smash people’s faces. Flat out, it makes me want to pop whole faces. WHOLE FACES.
It’s a prevalent attitude in the army these days. Makes a person happy to be around right. Yeah! I know I’m right. There is nothing better than dealing with assholes that KNOW EVERYTHING, absolutely everything. And they are never ever wrong. So they are so easy to speak to, and work with, and they don’t make anyone want to modify a car to have working flamethrowers with which to burn their enemies all to dust.
No shit. They actually told us that they were about to send us back to fucking Iraq next year.
and the title is the only appropriate response in my eyes.
back to iraq?? are you fucking kidding me?? arent we supposed to be gone. arent we supposed to be done. arent we supposed to fucking NOT BE THERE ANYMORE.
I find this to be unacceptable.
The weekend has gone, well, it has gone besides that one little point that we found out yesterday. of all things that we found out yesterday that was the one that made the biggest impact. and it made me want to kick someone in the head.
Other than that…..
Reasons next week shall sucks
The heat will be horrifying. someone will die
The lack of co-ordination that characterizes B CO
The stupidity of this training
The stupidity of my young soldiers
Reasons next week wont be so bad
One week closer to being home
One week closer to getting out of Georgia permanently
My pay should be fixed
The house will again have people in it
I may be able to stop living out of a bag for a minute
And that is a synopsis of the coming craek. Yeah, I made that with word science. Its a combo of crap and week. SCIENCED!
Tonight I am staring at the computer screen. Thats what I do these days.
Its not really, but I have had way too many sodas. and i have been listening to lights and playing solitare and fighting the urge to punch my computer.
its taken a lot of punishment and it couldnt take a hit more. it honestly couldnt.
Today was kind of long day too, even though it was short? does that make any sense at all? I dont think so and I wrote the shit. thats a sad sad fact. its almost like i cant type anything that makes sense right now. I am ussually so good at this too.
I have to start getting mean.
thats about the only thing that is going to solve the attitude problem that I have been seeing at work lately. some in the upper echelons of army command have said that discipline has pretty much gone out the window. I couldnt argue with that statement if I wanted to. so, hence me getting mean.
its not me though. its truly not me. for these reasons…
I am way too relaxed
I dont even really yell much
I would rather go with the flow
and that is why its hard. Ive gotten used to working the way that I do. Change is hard no matter what kind it is. Ive learned that fact for sure.
This week went pretty quick ya know. Honestly it went way too fucking fast. A lot of the week was a blur for me, especially at work.
Which when we didn’t do SHIT makes no sense. None.
I dunno. This day has been odd too. All I did was watch people play NCAA 12. Such a super exciting way to spend the day, you know. I of course was able to illustrate how the day went with pictures, which is fun.
So, helping people move when they dont really want to move is something that is not so much fun. For real, get up and pack your stuff. fuckers.
Yeah, between yesterday and today, nothing really got done for these folks. and a pipe burst in their wall, behind the washing machine. makes sense right.
my luck is garbage and I will prove it with scienceing.
Speeding ticket. random stop at the gate. almost getting one at the gate
Fact two Every single stupid fucking class that the army can send me to, it always damn happens. how the hell is a person supposed to be a leader if they spend all of their damn time sitting a stupid FUCKING CLASSROOOOOM!!!
Hell I don’t know. Uh, I didn’t win a million dollars. Look sciencing is not easy damn it. I didn’t even get my lab coat on, and its hard to concentrate when not in the right clothes
"The whole fucking world is against us dude, I swear to god" Jay. Hes not too far off the mark you know. Hell the universe is out to destroy us, and it almost damn does every day. Shit nature is out to kill us and you don’t even have to leave the planet for that one!! Everything is trying to kill everyone because the universe is horrible and mean.
I could so rob a bank. But I would probably get caught.
I could pull it off because…
A. Trained to control situations like that with guns. Several battle drills would be applicable when taking over and controlling the bank an the people inside.
B. My fingers don’t print for shit. Seriously, I am trying to get a new I’d card and they can’t seem to be read by a print scanner.
C. I’m fucking awesome at sciencing, and to knock over banks, you need a sciencer.
I would for SURE get caught because..
A. Worst. Luck. Imaginable. Not kidding, Murphys law is the rulebook for my life. Its almost like I fucking owed this Murphy prick money.
B. Distinctive voice. While I can do several accents, some of them really well, we are talking fool native to the region well, my voice is all together far too memorable.
C. I cannot shut the fuck up, and can easily be distracted into a rant. Which is why I would also make a great villain.
D. I am very loud. I dont think that would help.
E. I am fucking terrified of prison. DO NOT ever want to go to prison. No thanks, don’t need to kill a guy to not get raped.
F. I don’t have a reason, but I wanted an F so fuck you buddy.
Lately I've been thinking, which I shouldn't do, because it gets me in trouble and it makes my head itch and it just generally gives me a headache, and I think it's time to start talking about what I meant to talk about.
J.R.R. Tolkein once wrote in a letter to a friend, that a tree that he had grown up looking at, had been knocked down.
Not even chopped, but knocked.
The only reason that Mr. Tolkein was able to find was simply that it was there.
To me, that is a tragedy. A tree that had been in that spot since he could remember meaning that it was older than he was. For no real reason.
I have been thinking about that tree. And I’ve been thinking about all the asphalt in the world. And all the concrete. I want that all to go. And I want that tree back.
I can hear people saying, but that means no cars! And and society will break down! And what about all those criminals and and and and…
Society would change. Crime would be dealt with in older far more efficient but admittedly harsher ways. And and for gods sake we would finally be the husbandmen that we are intended to be for this planet.
We are killing it. We are killing each other. Per square foot, I would be willing to bet that in some places in america there is more concrete than grass.
Most people in my profession really don’t care. Most people in my profession, especially my MOS (military occupational specialty), are adrenaline junkies who don’t live much past the moment, or who when that thrill has passed are shut down and don’t really see the world.
There are places from my childhood that are completely gone now. Destroyed in the name of progress. It’s a memory that I can’t ever reclaim.
And for me that truly is painful. I didn’t have a lot of friends back then. I don’t truly now. I have a lot, A LOT of brothers. If your infantry, you are my brother. Friends that will ever really know me though? No, not really.
Everybody else is too busy with their distractions from a life that is “too hard”.
Where was I? Oh yeah, one little tree. The willow at my old house. The one that Tolkein knocked down. All of them.
Here at Ft. Stewart when a soldier dies they plant a tree for him or her. Evey soldier that dies on foreign soil with the patch of the 3rd ID on their shoulder gets a tree. They are doing two things. Honoring our fallen dead, and healing the earth.
Mother of all that is holy please restrain the fury that is about to break forth upon the world in the form of my feet and people's mouths.
I’m fucking sick and goddamn tired of the pure straight up disrespect that I being shown on a daily basis to multiple members of my platoon by a person who has never done anything real with us at all.
Information must be disseminated to those that it pertains to.
That seems like a very fucking simple precept right? It seems like something that would be hard as fuck to screw up right? It seems like it would violate the very FUCKING LAWS OF SCIENCE!!!!
It’s fucking madness. And when stacked on top of the other dry wood and timber that has been piled up, it’s enough to start the fire.
Fuck science, fuck reality, when this shit goes off it will be nothing but fire. An all consuming all destroying rage that will translate itself from thought to kinetic energy built up at the end of my fists as they slam literally through walls.
I would say on a lighter note but there is no lighter note for me right now. The only light at the end of the tunnel is fucking next month, and I still have to slay dragons all the way up to that day.
Like coming up for air, or watching the world explode around you.
Sometimes when I am standing still or walking around in my silly tan boots, a feeling washes over me.
And that’s what it feels like, as if it is blanketing me from head to toe.
It’s like waking up from a dream that’s too real, or a tingling that has no source or being doused with cold water. It makes the world around me seem unreal. And my mind begins to form the words ” what the fuck is ” and then things are normal.
It started in April 2009 when my world blew apart and for a few seconds I wanted to die. That feeling left and was replaced with a deep gaping wound that I will probably always carry. Time has had it’s chance and done nothing. Our talks have done some, but we still have things to work out. I know that you are wounded too. Which makes me wonder always why you would want to wound me this way.
And the feeling followed me as my world began an acceleration toward the wild and adventurous. Everyday training, everytime I put pen to paper it seemed unreal.
And then there came the desert. And then the outskirts of Baghdad. And then the explosion. And the feeling became a constant waking experience. And being home with you on mid tour leave changed the feeling not one bit.
And then back to Baghdad. The heart of the city this time. The 3000 pounder at the gate. The whole fucking building shook. And so the days went a blur of icewater from my head to the tip of my toes.
And then back to Georgia. Glorious days with you, soured only by the feeling.
And then back to Georgia and back to wondering if somewhere along the line, sometime after my world fell apart if I didn’t hurt myself and put myself in such a state where I truly am dreaming.
I don’t know sometimes. I don’t know how to explain this feeling. I don’t want pills. I dont want to sit in a circle and talk about it. I want to know what the fuck is happening to my mind.
I need something that I can fight. I can’t fight shadows.
You found me
And then you left
And it’s been so so long
So long, So long
I’ll never forget your eyes
Or your skin
Or your smile
Or your laugh
Or the sound of you breathing
And when you left I wanted to die
I didn’t want to deny our daughters their father but without you how could I be anything anymore how could I be who I was how can I be who I am now and be who I need to be how can I know all of the things that you tell me are true how can I know that they know why I do this how can I know if they miss me
I want to find you again
The world doesn’t make any sense and I can hardly sleep and I always feel like I am waking from a bad dream and all I have to do is open my eyes and I feel like I can’t ever gain my balance and I feel like I am going to spin and spin and spin and spin and spin and spin…
All I want is all that I won’t get. I know that. And I know that you aren’t doing this to hurt me.
And I know that you love me. And I know that they love me.
Honestly. When I get to speeding around the Internet super highways these days, that’s surely how it feels. I hate things that make me feel old.
You wouldn’t know it, but any time I try to type a t, I type an r. Like this rype. Fat fingers and tiny keys do not a good combo make.
I am wondering if america is trapped in an alien blast furnace and we just don’t realize it yet?
The work day is !YAY! finally about over. I am pretty damned excited about that. I rhink today (see there it is again) I am going to do something the rest of my roommates will be horrified by. I am going to read a book.
Unfortunately, that seems to never happen here. It’s the disadvantage to never having a car. I feel your pain Ferris.
He was really kind of a psycho.
We all might be though. The world is on a weird track right now, and the fact that most of us seem to accept it as normal should freak us the fuck out. It doesn’t though, and that is scary on levels that Poe never plumbed.
Hamlet was a drugged out fool.
Either way, I like sleep. I feel like I should do more. I want to do more. I NEED to do more.